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Beta Test: Miss D

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My Personal Story: 12 Challenges over 12 Months the road to Personal Evolution.

Kick Off Event:

2013 Polar Bear Swim at Saratoga Beach, Black Creek British Columbia.

-Miss D

2nd Challenge 

Well we survived our January challenges!! Woot, Woot!

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Today is the very first day of February!

I know what my challenge is going to be what’s yours?

Thus far – I’ve taken the New Years Day plunge, been rising earlier, and have said yes each time I have wanted to say no in terms of adventurish activities. And due to that – in January I had a hiking trip on the west coast, several trips to the mountain to go snowshoeing, and a day of snowboarding. Loved it!

Those though to me seem very ‘mountain top’ type adventures for Feb I plan to get some miles under my belt..

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15 Kms a week for the first two and 20 Kms for the last two. So by the end of Feb. I will have logged 70 kms. I will use Endomondo – to keep track for accountability.

I may walk, hike, snowshoe or bike. However I will be getting out there and getting more active/more fresh air/hopefully more Vitamin D!

So, what are YOU planning to do??

– Miss D

3rd Challenge 

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So I decided on a challenge for March. LOL funny thing I am actually a bit scared to admit what I am doing because to me it actually going to take some dedication and will be HARD. (and I think that if I say it/type it out – I can’t take it back) haha. Okay, here it is. 30 pushups. On the 31st of March. I’ll record it for accountability. I did a little assessment yesterday, so I knew how many I could do… it was 2 and a half. I actually died a little in the middle of the third. The challenge for me is about several things – the obvious I am weak like a wet paper bag, it’s pathetic. However I am also terrible at goal setting and trying hard to active goals. I am awesome at sporadic, but as soon as I think about it a bit mentally, I am very hard on my self. It’s always a mental challenge that kills me before anything physical will. Not this time, I am going to beat this challenge! So 12x12ers Let’s do it!!

4th Challenge

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March really seemed to go by in a flash, I think that partially at least because for me, it’s one of my busiest work months of the year. If you remember my Mar. Challenge was to do 30 man push-ups starting with the pathetic three that I could barely do. Lol I practiced faithfully all month, in my office – before work, in the middle of hikes & I’m please to say I can now do 30 ‘girl’ push ups pretty easily and am up to 17 ‘man’ push-ups!!! Even though I didn’t make it by my deadline, I’m not stopping till I reach my goal. There have been some unexpected bonuses – surfing, my arms are stronger this month – which is nice for paddling, at archery, pulling my bow string back – easier! Yay, that’s such a happy plus. Who knew all that – just from practicing push-ups

 So APRIL. What to do this month. I’m pretty active regularly, hiking & adventuring and such – so doing a physical challenge isn’t really that much of a challenge… I want to switch it up a bit. As for me this whole 12×12 is about personal growth, or more specifically continual personal evolution. This picture I’ve attached is my April challenge – I want to be more present to the people around me, I want to be more detached from the superficial things that I think I ‘need’ I want to be loving and light filled. I want to scrape away all the things, get back to simplicity, in all my needs. Whole food, less of a foot print, and 30 day of deep gratitude for this extraordinary life I live. I’m not looking for perfection – just 30 day of really living. Hope you are inspired and ready for a challenge of your own! Post them or keep them to your self, but know that you have if in you to do what ever you dream! Peace & love to you all – Miss D.

5th Challenge 

I have two truths to share. I always organize my thoughts better while doing something physical, running for instance or doing yoga like this morning & I always have new song that corresponds with where I particularly am in my life on any given day.

Here is the song, and my thoughts to follow.

Today I have figured out what I want my May challenge to be and in the process feel very energized by the world in front of me. Powerful. I love it, like harnessing lightning.

I read something this morning that made me blink. Literally I stopped, slowly blinked, and took it in.

“grace = riding the chaos with a smile on your face.”

– Alli J

This very much is in line with what I wanted to write about today.

Before I begin, a wee tangent – I LOVE mornings. I love summer and I love waking naturally as the sun rises and the earth comes a live. It’s feeds my souls. It’s makes me truly happy.

Back to grace… Yesterday I saw life; passionate, invigorating, kindness filled, life. It was a gift of a day. You know the kind when you are so in the moment that as the opportunities come you are there, you recognize it, & have the opportunity to express gratitude, love it and it smile because it all matters.

I have been reading lately about the way of the universe, the energy that we (well some of us that are open too it) are affected by the changing tides, the moons, the stars, the planets. I believe with my entire being as I live and breathe – that I am particularly sensitive to energy of this world, good & bad. I have had more proofs than I’d ever needed thus far in my short life.. but this isn’t about that. This is about the way things just click sometimes. LIfe is chaos and how we choose to embrace it either makes or breaks us. I personally think that one of the greatest gifts that you can give another is attention, dignity and love and if you practicing living in such a way that each of your days are filled with a disposition of gratitude; it will become habitual and then rather than walking through this life with a scowl and a bite you… “ride the Chaos with a smile on your face.” and that’s grace.

Our minds are powerful. That in the simplest explanation is what my May challenge is going to be. Mind over Matter (the power of the mind to control and influence the body and the physical world generally OR intellectual powers overriding threats, difficulties, or problems) MIND OVER MATTER is a decision. You or me in this case; are capable of IMPOSSIBLE.

If we are created in the image and likeness of God then doesn’t it reason that he wants for us all good things? Because they do say He is good/Love.

The hitch, you need to decide that you ARE capable. Its’s 100% up to you. I’ve experienced enough bullshit and drama to last 7 lifetimes yet why am I the way I am? I am happy and content and grateful? Shouldn’t I be a bit victimized or at least cynical and shouldn’t I shout at the unfairness of the world???? Fuck no.

That’s the point I will goodness into my life. I trust that there is a greater power at work and even the negative things that challenge me are meant to grow me and make me more fully alive. Alli had it right this morning, when writing about grace.

“grace = riding the chaos with a smile on your face”

I am racing tomorrow. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to challenge me. It’s going to be me going toe to toe with the impossible that lives in my own head – so as part of my May challenge the wall I am breaking down is making that impossibility become my reality. Every time I run, I am going to tell my body to run harder and it’s going to listen because Mind over Matter! When I am having a bad day and people are pissing me off as they inevitably will, I am going to stop and take a breath and I am going to pull some silver lining out of that shit and guess what, MIND OVER MATTER.

Life is good, even when it’s not. In fact it’s more often NOT but that comes right back to perspective, I am choosing to be this person, the kind, loving, passionate, motivated, insanity driven, fun person! AND I am bloody grateful to be here.

MAY Challenge – MIND OVER MATTER.

6th Challenge & Half Way! 

Here we are, I can hardly believe it… half way through the year. This month marks our 6th challenge of the 12×12.

Over the last 6 months I would like to think I have honesty grown and begun an irreversible stretching process to the “box” that has been containing my inmost self. There have been a few surprises, at the beginning I really thought that this was going to be really geared towards physical challenges yet over the last several months, I have registered a definite shift in other areas as well.

That however was indeed the point of it all..

Today let’s take a look back and assess the journey thus far. I am going to repost my original post – the one that really launched this idea.

I can hardly believe I wrote that only six months ago.

Back to the present,

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I have had to dispell a great number of fears over the last 6 months and I imagine I will continue to do so in the next six – that however is NOT going to stop me. This is about evolution. I am evolving into the person I am choosing to be.

So 6th Challenge.

Well I thought I had my challenged pegged for this month, but then after a few days I have realized my original idea isn’t really about personal growth at all – this is simply a discipline issue.

By living simply, no unnecessary spending. No SHOPPING. No dining out, No coffee from SB or Serious or even Tim’s. No shoes, No dresses, No books. For the remainder of this month, I will appreciate all that I have and not buy into the commercialistic society that confuses need with want.

SO – I think I will just be mindful of why I am shopping, and maybe chill out a bit. Too much of anything is unattractive in my opinion anyway.

But I am still going to do this…

I am going to simplify my diet again. I suspect this is one of those things that I will have to revisit continually. No dairy, No wheat, No Sugar with the exception of sugar – 80/20 of course.

Healthy Body = Healthy Mind.

I am going to love. Really love the people in my world.

Here is where my real challenge will be:

Later in the month, Sarah Rose & I are planning to Kayak through the Broken Islands. That will be putting this into full practice, & IMO full reward. We are going to be spending 48 hours with no communication, no luxuries and no material bullshit. Two nights under a super moon, eating simply, traveling by our own power, enjoying the simple beauty of the magnificent world around us. PURE GRATITUDE. Simple. Simple. Simple.

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I hope where ever you are in your own journey’s that you might take a moment today to pause and reflect – and let this sink in.. you are made for greatness – do you accept?

Much Love, Miss D.

7th Challenge

It’s midway mark, and getting this post in has actually been a bit challenging as I’ve been giving serious thought to the direction I’d like to take the second half of my 12×12.IMG_2912If the first six months have been about personal motivation, growing and stretching in all directions in order to get my physical self more inline with the vision I have for the life I desire.Healthy, active, energetic, driven, passionate, powerful, whole.This second six months, I think will become much more cerebral in terms of visioning. I want to flesh out and define with greater precision… my dream.I wrote a personal mission statement last year, I’d like to share it with you now as I think It may be quite impactive in my next six months.

My Personal Mission Statement.

I will embrace the personhood of the Nurturer, in the likeness of a *God-bearer.

I will be deeply compassionate and living with an unconditional affirmation for any and all whom I have the pleasure of being present too.

With an unbridled expression of care and concern, I promise to continually illuminate a path of justice for the greater good of all people.

I will be aware of the veil that covers the eyes and hearts of humanity never allowing myself to gaze with procrastination at my own reflection, instead I will continually gain energy from the Spirit whom is with us in all things. Together we will fight stagnancy, break down barriers and notions of discord in this life.

Teaching by example, I will always share my life as a giving surrender of servant hood, which is marked clearly as an act of grace and love.

I will spend my days working diligently with purpose, valuing the beautiful gifts our creator bestows with in every single day. I will pray with fervor, and live a life of gratitude, simplicity, and unconditional unending love.

*God bearer: is not working up the strength to become someone you aren’t; it is becoming who you truly are.

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I have a pretty brutal self reflection that I carry with me to check in. I imagine myself standing in front of a full sized mirror, gazing. I do believe it is VERY important to self love, be affirmative with self – this is a daily.  BUT there is an other side to it, a moral compass, an integral check in. I self check, Do I recognize my reflection? I am a very visual person, so this for me sits me back and allows me to be present. Do I see the woman I am striving to become or do I see a version of that woman? It’s a little bit too intimate to disclose here the depth of this for me – but in recognizing that we all live in this very, very messy life together – It’s not uncommon or at all unexpected that I’ll fail pretty consistently. My mirror check in just allows me to recognize and be self accountable.

I have a huge desire for greatness, I am a realist & I am not afraid to get a little muddy to get there.

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

-Scott M. Peck

I loved my June Challenge, It’s was the hardest and greatest to date. A physical task with underlining challenges to push me in to a new place. HUGE push.

As we encountered the brutality of nature, the sweetness of humanity, the humility in simplicity, and the vastness and beauty of the creators splendour, I really saw the last six months clearly. Awareness. This has been an exciting journey and I really felt like I was on the brink of a catalyst. It’s a terrifying and exhilarating place to be.

This July, I am in reflection mode. I think in terms of growth, this is where I need to be. I don’t want to negate any of my opportunities for adventure, aha I can say this is intrinsically part of my world. I will climb, wrestle and fight with my environment to challenge my body and soul every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. like the sacredness of self love, self affirmation, personal physical challenge is integrally important to my survival. However this July I am focusing on self actualization. My mission clearly states my inner desire in terms of disposition, as I reflect through July I want to flesh out a goal or a series of goals upon how I can make this a liveable reality.

If you are following along on your own journeys though a 12×12 – I want to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your drive to change your self in to the fully alive version of YOU. The only game changer in your would inevitably is YOU. You are worth it.

Peace & Love,

– Miss D.

8th Challenge 

This month is a biggie for me. It’s my birth month. It’s an 8 month – which is my number & a power number. This month, is my (In the NOW) month.

To take a page from Robert Frost, I actually think there is such profound beauty, wisdom and sublime simplicity in allowing your self to be so truly present that you wholeheartedly experience life as it is happening. I’ll admit, I am NOT the best at actualizing this..

I am a control freak (yes I did just admit that out loud), I am a high achiever and do, with intentionality make life happen for myself. Not to discount the magic, the sway of the universe and luck because I believe in all of that too but I think it really comes down to this:

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This is where I am in my 12×12. I am changing paths. I believe that we must pursue our passions and be aware of ourselves enough to know when things don’t serve, grow us or help us to be fully alive, it’s time to move in another direction. This year of transformation has led me to realize I am not moving in the direction that I want to be in ultimately.

End Game: I will be a successfully published author, living and writing with passion, serving the greater good with love and dedication, & enjoying all the little moments in this crazy life of mine.

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So where have I been this month and how did I get HERE exactly?? I’ve been to the moon and back. I have been to the ocean, on top of mountains, under shooting stars, in the frenzy of sound, through the toil of the earth, and yesterday while standing on a bridge I had a moment to really see the chasm of my life.

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As I stood there silently, I was able to look back through my life with a generous heart. A forgiving heart.

I smiled to myself thinking of all the beautiful moments, the many, many beautiful moments I have experienced as mother, sister, daughter, friend.

I have an interesting perspective, as my children are teenagers, & my son is nearing the same age I was when I had him, that’s huge and intimidating and fills me with awe as I look back. Being a mother is a truly sacred experience and I cherish my time thus far with such value and love.

My story is a little bit unusual I know this, but it’s also been personally a deeply impactive gift. I hope not just for me, but for all the people around me too.

I’m grateful.

As I turned around and pulled my thoughts from the past and looked over the edge of the bridge, I was gifted with foresight for the future. I stood there, imagining all that is to come.

(I personally think, it’s very beneficial & proactive to visualize goodness, to set your mind upon a goal.)

I recognize there are no guarantees in this crazy life, it can be all taken away in a breath, but all the same I am preparing for greatness. I’ll make no apologies for that.

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To summarize, I am taking the road less travelled. I have set my course, I am LETTING GO OF FEAR – Thank You Jim, for that.  & I am free!!

I have resurrected my old graphics company and am in the process of rebranding, I’m perusing a new intellectual challenge, career wise and am really excited about it. I have two writing projects underway, and to be honest fall is going to be jam packed with crazy exciting opportunities to live passionately!!!! Tough Mudder is about a month away, one of my oldest friends is getting married, I am going to Montreal, and simply… LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I’d like to leave off with an excerpt from one of the most important & influential speeches I have ever heard, one that I come back to again & again – It resonates with me because *I* am the ‘man’ in the arena, it’s me that knows that my place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Peace & Love Readers,Miss D.

9th Challenge 

September Challenge: Direction, Destination, Do it!What a month. There are hardly words that can adequately describe the peeks and valley’s I’ve been through in the last 30 days.

My September 12×12 Challenge was choose a DESTINATION, determine a DIRECTION, & DO IT.

Well after a LOT of anxiety, stress, doubt, fear, pain, impatient moments, and celebration I did just that.

I started a company this past month, called M Media. We are a small PR firm that specializes in Social Media Strategy for Corporate Technology and Bophirima Companies. Well. That is my current direction. I am still working part time as a youth pastor, which is my opportunity to give, I am still working on my book, which is my passion, & I am still planning to branch out and represent companies that are quite frankly in the game to be changers. I want to deal in reality, human condition and forward thinkers.

It’s been incredible.

It’s also been incredibly difficult, I unfortunately went through some pain – a few hospitals visit and I am still a bit weak physically. I had to pull out of my tough mudder literally a week pre race, that was very disappointing. And currently I am writing to you from about 37000 feet on my way to Ottawa & Montreal.

This trip is kind of like the beginning and the end of a huge piece of me. It’s a bit of a pilgrimage, and with the last month of destination & direction I feel like this is the start of something big.

As some of you know I have been struggling greatly examining my faith, where it comes from, what I believe, what makes me alive, not just a living breathing body but what makes me fully alive?

A few things I have finally found some closure on.

I am Catholic by choice and to be authentically Catholic I think is one of the most beautiful gifts in the world. I believe that I have been given a gift in that I am a prayer warrior – that is something I am going to give more attention too. When I feel the spirit prompt me to pray I hope I can always be aware and present enough to listen and do.

I cannot imagine living in such a way that I don’t love my neighbor as myself but also that I might help others that I encounter do the same. Something I have also taught and believed to be true – we are all created for good. We all have the opportunity to be catalysts in the world offering a love that is beyond anything human and at the same time the most human experience there ever was and will be. I want to live my life in such a way that I bring peace to those around me.

This is my truth today. 

Secondly, I am on my way to meet for the first time one of my oldest friends on this beautiful planet.

What? Yes that’s what I said. She and I have been friends for a solid decade, yet we have yet to be in the same place at the same time. We have been through drama, tragedy, infidelity, divorce, rebuilding, success, joy, pain, laughter & pleasure and now I have the gift to be standing up for her on one of the most important days of her life – I am her bridesmaid and for the first time we meet it will be to witness this beautiful right of passage.

I am going to take this opportunity over the next 48 hours to decide on the next life challenge for my October 12×12.

Now that I have my professional life in a direction, I am thinking it’s time to look at my personal life. How am I as a Mother, Granddaughter, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Girlfriend.. ?

Over the last month I’ve had several opportunities to really look at life, the real perspective. I want to ask of my self these questions..

Have I found someone to share my heart with? Greatfully, Yes.

Am I giving to my community? Yes, I think so but I do think I could do more. I met a man yesterday that said one line that has really stuck with me.. think smaller if you have $10 give away $1. I love that. I will do more.

Am I at peace with myself? Honestly, not entirely – but I am getting there.

Am I trying to be as human as I can be?  And that readers is what my October challenge is going to look like.. 

Peace & Love,

– Miss D.

10th Challenge 

Am I at peace with myself? Honestly, not entirely – but I am getting there.

Premise for my October Challenge; in a Nut shell.

It’s really interesting to me in a purely Psych Ed Experiment sort of way.. I’ve noticed via my personal experience that we as people have this incredibly needy voice inside that at times becomes so loud that it drowns out reason.

Let me explain.

I for one have lived a dynamic enough life with enough personal work done that I can see now what is “me” and what isn’t. Given that truth, at times however it does become somewhat muddled.  After all..  I am in my 30′s and from what I have been told I’m in my soul searching, finding the meaning of life phase. I still care enough of what people think to be sensitive yet I know enough of self to push and remove the things that don’t serve me.

Mirror Test: Over the last few months I was pushing down the inner “me” voice in favour of something that was serving me in a very excitable manor. I was mingling in the status quo, not in and of it selfbad but after a while when those moments of quiet came my “me” sat up a little straighter, looked at the refection staring back at her square in the eye and stood ground.

I live and breathe passion, SLOW BURN heat, and grand gesture. Where I left off in my September Challenge Post is actually where this began – I went to Montreal. I faced the death of an old and very dear friend. I went to Montreal to pray for him before he passed away. While there I made a pilgrimage to St. Josephs Oratory. As I was wondering around the Oratory I found my way to the very, very top of the place and into this private sanctuary. It was this very interesting and very ornate Blessed Sacrament chapel. .

It was just me and Jesus. I was very humbled.

The moment I walked in I felt stripped. Naked. Barren… but somehow, safe. Clean Slate.

I sat down easily and rested a moment.

In my backpack was this book called Tuesday’s with Morrie – Mitch Albom. (It was popular about ten or so years ago and incidentally I highly recommend the book) While resting there, for what ever reason I pulled it out and started flipping pages – Intuitively I knew I should read. I saw a number at first as I flipped though. It was my birth year. That got my attention. My birth year plus a Tuesday – I was born on a Tuesday actually. SO that was a little specific. And then there was this…

“You closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too-even when you are in the dark. Even when you’re falling.”  – Morrie

You will have to trust me when I say that SPOKE to me.  This was something I had been wrestling with for the last few months. I knew what was my truth – yet I denied it.

So it was in that far away city, alone, heart broken over the impending death of my friend and completely open to the universal sway – I heard the words I need to hear in order to move again. I heard my truth.

Am I at peace with myself? Honestly, No. 

Trust your heart, follow it.

This was the beginning of the end. I was right there on the cusp of doing something different. I was on the cusp of clearly defining my truth and pursuing it. This was scary, as hell. I was about to leave “safety” like Maslow-esq safety for UNKNOWN.

HOLY. HUGE. MOMENT.

I made a decision and left in a bit of a daze. I decided to be VERY intentional and to start paying close, close attention to my intuition. How I felt in the presence of the people that were closest to me in my life. I started paying attention to the things that made my heart soar or feel quieted, to my dreams, to those quiet moments at 4:18am that wake me from dead sleep, I started watching for the things and people I was most consistently thinking about.

Interestingly, that was a very effective exercise.

Within a month I was shocked by how inconsistent my thoughts were verses my actions.

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Presently, I am feeling very blessed.

This clarity, despite it’s having some residual backlash attached is also the most free I’ve felt in months.

Last Monday, one week ago today I was standing in an airport having just had a prolonged conversation with a homeless man in downtown Las Vegas, I was heading home and he was lost. Spiritually. I was trying to find my way to a Cathedral there and rather than making it to the physical church I had the church come to me in this man. At the end of the conversation he thanked me for my time and I was over come with grief and gratitude. It was ME that should have thanked him for HIS TIME.

You see I had just had the opportunity to spend 4 days doing something I love with a person that gives me the space, love and encouragement to be genuinely myself, and given the month prior; being in this place of intuitive living – that was a huge flag for me. I saw what could be, and felt for the first time in a long while – completely and irrevocably inspired. 

That random man on the street reminded me of who I am, and more importantly who I want to be.

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I live this code. I had forgotten how important it was to be that open. I had gotten wrapped up into my little selfish bubble of half way living and that was hurting my heart – I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t even know why.

The reason for Vegas was a festival called Life is Beautiful. 48 hours of PURE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE,  INSPIRATION, MAGIC, EDUCATION, PASSION, MUSIC, and CHARITY. True charity, the everyday kind. The start with those closest to you and love them first, kind. MY KIND.

I experienced an over haul of spirit. Rejuvenation.

The man I spoke to on my way to the church,  he reminded me to be strong, to live my life. To pay attention to my truth, that I’m here to not just idly standing by but to jump in and love in such a drastic way that I may end up with ripped jeans, dirty hands and a deeply satisfying existence.

While standing there in that airport, one week ago I knew there was no going back. I knew there were going to be a few things in jeopardy but if I could trust this – trust all these things, these signs, the new people in my world, the new direction and live by that simple little rule: If you work really HARD and are kind, amazing things will happen. I could answer my question differently this time.

Am I at peace with myself? Yes. 

November Challenge is going to be living all of this out, practically. I’ve got something brewing, a SUPER idea that will hopefully encompass all the things that are important to me, inspiring others, encouraging a sense of community, working for a greater good, and of course men & women running in tights! Stay tuned!!

Be well readers!

Love & Hugs,

~ Miss D.

11th Challenge 

They say it’s what you make, I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul, I need to let you go..

Where to even begin with November? November was the hardest of my challenges, without a doubt.. if the first 10 months put my life in order, were responsible for breaking down external barriers or boxes that had been containing self – November was the bulldozer that pushed me hard and flattened any resolve that was resistant to change. It pushed so hard that all that I was left with was a huge & fantastic gaping hole consequently that filled with dare I say it… new light.  There was no possible way for me to ignore my truth even a moment longer through November.

Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide..

November went by quickly, I was in a situation with work that left me scrambling so for the most part I was pretty career focused – November the Universe gave me clear sign after clear sign. I hired my very first independent client. From a business stand point, I felt like my business may have some potential. I published my first short story, anonymously of course but it had incredibly good feed back, so that was also quite affirming, I ran a successful Lock In – it was well attended and I think given what I have witnessed since then – I was heard and what I was teaching was affective.

I hit every emotion and was pulled in ten directions but when push came to shove I had the strength to focus and execute a solid trajectory for my life/career.

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I think the main focus through in this month had a lot to do with my heart. In a way I think November was a “part 2″ of Octobers Challenge – as it allowed me to take it further, deeper and once there is a gaping hole in your soul you can’t really do much more than look & create an action item plan.

I looked; some of the things that I saw had been in the dark nearly my entire life, so that was hard.

Some of the things I looked at were burned & chard fleshy pieces that were made that way at the hand of another. Some of the things I witnessed while were these delicate tenuous fibres that I can hardly fathom how on earth they have withstood for so long with out light, love or nurturing.

When your dreams all fail, And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all, And the blood’s run stale..

I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside, There’s nowhere we can hide..

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BUT. Significant pause.

I saw something else too. Something great, worthy, triumphant and truly, truly passionate.

I am pretty fuck’n awesome.

I am an extraordinary human.

This is not a boast, it’s a self love caress.

I am happy with who I am, and I am happy with where I am, and I am happy with all that I am, thus far.

I am also.. and drum roll please…

I am Happy with the fact that I don’t know all that I am, YET.

I am a work in progress, ever changing, always curious, always moving, I have good days and bad ones, I get depressed, I make mistakes, I love too much, I live intensly, somedays I lay around in my PJ’s reading from sun up to sun down, somedays I like to go out, laugh, have drinks, laugh some more, dance,  be happy and silly and loose myself, somedays I like to do the opposite, I reach for clean air, silence, moss and a sunset, some days I push my body hard until I taste blood and somedays I travel slowly deliberately and am content to wonder.

The point is this, I am not just any one clearly defined thing, I am many things.

This is a good and liberating truth.

November has taught me that the world is anything but black and white.. life happens in the grey, in the non definitive area of messy humanity. In the area of change and fluidity, in the area of non definition and growth.

I have a soul – I AM A SOUL, I am pretty sure it is 3500 years old. I question everything of this earth and rely on intuition and universal signs to guide me, this is my living contentment. Now more than ever I am convinced that I am here for a purpose and that when God gave me to my parents way back in 1978, when He put me into this body, he was ready for me to understand a bit more this time than before. This is a loving lifetime. I used to think because of the hard things I’ve lived  that I must have done something awful in a past life as surly I am being punished..

Now though, I actually feel the opposite – those moments are given to the strong, to those that can mould the times of suffering and balance them with love.

I have no idea where I am going from here – yet there is a peace that wasn’t there before. I feel like I am authentically myself and that’s new. This is a new place for me. I don’t always do what people expect and I don’t always do what society says that I should but still I am HERE and I am okay and I am me and that is very, very good..

12th and Final Challenge:

A life lived in JOY. Follow this blog to see the culmination of my 12×12. It’s on going, I’m not going back. This is ME, I’ve broken out of  my box, and I am here to live Ugunduzi!

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