“She did not find the grim in falling apart. For every time she found herself to be broken, she knew she was brutally remaking herself, and collapsing to be reborn like a rioting star; haunting the dark sky” – R.M. Drake
I’ve been wrestling with the understanding of my edges, the defining, the fleshing out of the parameters. I want to know what they feel like. It’s been years now of seeking. The process of self discovery, in that I am seeking what fuels me, what frightens me, what foundational stories are in me. I have sought to unpack the darkest parts of myself. Frankly I am getting pretty real with myself. As it evolves, this process I delicately lay out my insecurities on an altar to examine thoughtfully. It’s bright here, I have to squint sometimes. Its hard to look without being emotional.
Today, this is my truth: I am writing from the home of an old friend. Someone really great but over this last 24 hours, I have been made acutely aware – he and I operate on different levels & This surprised me as our stories are so intertwined.
I wonder if I was seeing a version that wasn’t all together authentic, as it seemed so contrary to the man I know and love – it also seemed to oppose his view of self. In this place of frantic energy, I realized something else, particularly right now – I was grounding off him. Pause. This I think is my lesson to learn, a door to open and explore.
I have needed a person to be with me, quietly connecting me here. Over the years this has looked like different things, some healthy, some – less so. My grounding friend – He’s brilliant and safe. I gravitate towards him during times of personal unrest, it’s been like that for years now. It’s challenging.
I have just noticed, well the other night for me things got intense and I struggled to grapple with what I was feeling – hurt was what came up but if I am being completely honest – I’ve been leaning on him while I’ve been dealing with some personal life changing stuff. That prose above by Drake makes sense. I don’t need someone to save me, I just want to feel tangibly that I have someone in my corner. That night I felt alone, it was hard, and really unexpected. He’s normally my rock. We do this though. Oh dear – once I learn something about myself – It’s nearly impossible to unlearn, to un-see.
NOTE TO SELF: I don’t need to assign judgment to it.
We provide stability to one another within the container of our chaos. We share a secret language. Best friends are good like that, and I am grateful for those in my tribe that I can share this intimacy. He radiates energy that provokes mine into possibility and dreaming. I feel creative and sure and directive when we spend time together. Very lunor energy for me, which balances my often solar radiance.
Muse energy, twin flame energy, soul mate perhaps? What ever this is, it is this.After that aberration from our usual flow state, I’m curious what’s to come.
I have been wrestling with the defining of MY edges, normally I can feel the edges of the people close to me so clearly, yet despite knowing and feeling the edges of those around me, mine tended to be permeable. It is true that I am no longer the girl with limiting beliefs in 95 percent of the areas of my life. I am non barriered in my thinking, not limiting in any area.
Yet, I am still in struggle in one area, potentially the most important area. I have struggled with personal commitments & self love, with owning my own power.
I have hesitated stepping into this personal potential.
Out of fear, out of shame? I can’t pin point why exactly, or why I have been so keen to diminish my light. It seems extraordinary to even say that because clearly I have a good and healthy sense of self and I am adamant about taking care of my being. I seek nourishment in all my key areas, physical, emotional, spiritual.
This morning though I was stretching. I was fluidly moving through my Asanas and I felt a light warming me. It wasn’t actually a light per se, it was a knowing. Coaxing me into my own being. It was inviting me to step out of the shadow of my insecurities and into the full capability of my energy. Into flow.
I have commented that I can walk into any room anywhere and connect with anyone, I am very good at manipulating energy and I am extremely good at connecting.
If you know me well, you know that I can make you happy or upset or calm simply by intentionally focusing. It so useful in my career. I used to say flippantly, I am like a chameleon – a learned subservient behavior a blending of subtle habits in a snap moment of decision. This making anyone else comfortable, has to have a balance – the expense is often times that I am UNCOMFORTABLE.
Here is what is coming up for me.
I won’t do it anymore. I have big energy, it’s powerful and awesome. Like AWESOME the truest sense of the word.
I no longer have room for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or negative energy.
I have been toying with an image, floating ideas of a future version of me. I want to align the woman I know I will become with the woman standing here, right now.
My life has been filled with many direction changes and conflicts, many extraordinary experiences too, yet with sincerity – I can’t really look any of these times as anything other than opportunities. Each hard moment, each experience of opposition, struggle or disappointment – I have carefully crafted my arsenal of tools. Survival tools which as I got more comfortable became tools to increase my vibration.
I won’t diminish anymore to make anyone else feel more comfortable. I am releasing that need to control everything that is experienced around me, that’s not my roll. The eye of Horus. This needs explanation, which I will talk about in another blog post. I think I realistically I know now that it’s not healthy for me to lean on anyone, even RG.. At least not yet. I am uncovering something weighted and dark there.
Although I must stay with this vulnerable place, my shadow it quietly whispers to me…“You are not good enough, You are not enough to love unconditionally, You are not important enough to commit too, I reject you and everything you bring”…
I see something there that wasn’t before.
It hits me like sea spray as if I were standing on the deck of a ship navigating the stormy seas. I have a choice, my choice is stay with this. Learn about this shadow and explore where I go when I feel rejected. It’s here that I will learn about the next tool. I can stay in this vulnerable place and speak my truth. I can express my feelings and ask for what I need. I will no longer accept this shadow. I will challenge it, quietly perhaps at first.
It’s me that needs to be stronger. Its me that needs to stop being crushed or disappointed when I feel rejected because rejection is not necessarily a reflection of my truth but is a reflection the lens and emotional place that person making that choice is holding space in. I am only part of the story, I can’t take ownership of the entire experience, I am involved only to the degree that my addition isn’t prefered in this space or time.
I am leaving this morning and heading into the woods.
There is a group of people going floating today, it’s not Penticton we are going somewhere near Vernon I think. 5 hours in the forest floating down the a river. I will be delicately wild. A storm is building in the distance, I invite the calm before to cleanse my soul and rejuvenate my body.
It will be quiet energetically during this process. I think I am craving quiet, the last 48 hours have been loud emotionally. As I enter what is coming I will find a pathway that I can enter into at my desire which leads to rest. I love people that are healthy and filled with clean energy. Toxic energy is so hard to be around.
I can’t believe I am going to say this, I love the down to earth nature, the simplicity of it, of my life now. I am happy to have come to that conclusion – it’s taken me years to get here. I also know now, that this isn’t related to a physical space. This is me, and what I am bringing into my life. Where ever I am. I am making a few changes to suport this process, again subtle things that will support the woman I can see in my minds eye. Taping into daily practice, my femininity, using my words clearly to ask for help, my sexuality. I will engage with the interactions that feed my soul and help me grow.
I am inviting in to my personal space my full potential, the energetic value the universe has gifted me with.
Let’s see what comes. I am here in non judgment, open and accepting of the totality of my purpose.
Sic Vita Est.
EDITED TO ADD: At the end of this day after several hours of floating quietly, a storm did indeed come up. We got knocked off our floating devices, lost clothing, sunglasses and other personal items, trees came down, the sand wiped like ammunition – we were all okay, although a little shaken. Looking back and connecting the dots – this was the beginning for me, the great purge I am going to call it. Heaven and earth touched and the doors to my reality as it had always been were blown off and away. It’s been a wild ride ever since.