Happy Saturday! *LIFE UPDATE POST* Part III
What’s my why?? What’s yours?
Once I started asking myself Why? I started to see much more clearly the line of ego (people pleasing, old trauma tapes, etc) and what I now consider my authentic self voice which is connected to my greater purpose and genuine love of life and service. When ego is driving it’s very, very different. Our lives are a fine balance between light and shadow, tip too far in either direction and it’s throws us off balance.
One of the greatest and simplest AND most challenging life lessons I’ve ever learned is 10/90. We are not responsible for the trauma or dramas that inadvertently happen to us, but we sure as hell are responsible for healing and shaping our response. All the work I’ve been doing, not just in the last 5 months, it’s been years really, is fully my responsibility to do. My why is quite clear, I’m done with reacting in my life. I’m truly done with leaks of emotion that have nothing to do with my current situation, methodical self practices that come from a place of auto response. The running, the achieving, the whirling. The day that I simply stood up, having realized that there was no lid on my steel box, that there had never been a lid all I had to do was calmly stand up was the greatest and most liberating feeling in the world. (Read my last post for the box reference). Today. Today it’s pretty great. Messy hair, got the Mom bun thing mastered, curly wild eye brows and no make up. I’m volunteering at the local YMCA teaching Yoga, I’m working on building a new career path which has been a thoughtfull decision. I paint, have slow mornings drinking coffee, and read when I want to. We have a house full of teenagers, and I couldn’t love it more. Except the constant struggle to bring dishes from rooms haha. My lovely fiancé and I date on Sunday mornings. There is church, a record store, food and a lot of laughing. I sleep well, for the first time in years.
Today, I don’t pause to catch my breath as much but I do pause before answering yes to near anything. If that thing is out of alignment, it’s a no. No explanation, no excuses and most importantly no guilt. 📍New Chapter
Happy Saturday! *LIFE UPDATE POST* Part II
Here we are 5 months after that fateful Tuesday, having abruptly decided to change my direction.
It’s been cosmically comedic. In the past when ever I felt overwhelmed I tended to dive into something new. Sports, one of my greatest pacifiers. Snowboarding, trail running, road biking, skate skiing, whatever. If not sports, tattoo’s and travel help my soul feel steady just as well. Ha. Here is the thing when it’s time to break behaviour patterns, in my experience it feels a bit like trying to trap a ball of fiery energy inside a steel box that’s just a bit too small. It’s makes me feel like I can’t breathe & the harder I kick and scream the smaller and hotter the box feels. Breaking habits is hard. Full stop.
I’ve been working on some big things, personal worth, 1st, 3rd & 5th chakra things. In the past my identity was tied to my accomplishments. And I really, really realized that during my RYT training last year. 🧨 in my experience once you know something, you can’t simply choose to ‘un-know’ it. Trust me.
Having moved to a new town, no job to go to immediately, no tight restrictions on schedule & due to the Arctic temperatures, no running away to the woods or the mountains. No job means also no tattoos and no travel. 🤦🏽♀️In the beginning the only thing I could control was learning, so I read 6 books in the first 5 weeks. Great, that avoided my thinking for a bit. I organized and rearranged our home, scheduled the cleaning / cooking schedules and even joined a yoga studio. Not bad things to do unless of course my WHY was avoiding processing some deep habit changes. And it was.
Okay, okay. OKAY.
Here we are today. Vulnerable share. I’ve been as quiet and reflective as the promptings have asked. I’ve been still, sometimes not even leaving the house, instead reading for pleasure or painting or making cupcakes. I feel lonely some days, bored too and I am paying attention to the inner monologue when those feelings arise. Now, I step back asking ‘What’s coming up?’ It’s been amazing the stories my ego likes to tell. Fantastical stuff.
One of the greatest questions I’ve learned to ask; WHY.
To be continued...
Happy Saturday! *LIFE UPDATE POST* Part I
I wanted to take a moment to re-introduce myself as I’ve been a little quiet lately not posting much on my timeline and including very little on my story. I know, I know - sort of missing the point of the ‘gram.
I’m Deanna Beaudoin, I live in Kelowna BC, which is a sunshiny (normally) agriculture rich, also known as ‘wine country’ medium sized city smack in a semi desert. My whole life I’ve lived on the Pacific Ocean until 3 months ago.
I’m a 40 year old entrepreneur / artist / book nerd / virgo / quantitative thinker / youth pastor / yoga + meditation teacher / business + team + community developer / blogger / traveler / tattoo appreciator / music lover / moon junkie / world religion & anthropology geek and finally the original nature girl. Give me mountains, give me trees I need little more. Ask me tomorrow, and I’ll rattle off another list. I think it’s safe to say, I move quick, I have an appetite for learning that most people find slightly strange, however I’m GREAT at cocktail parties. Obscure subjects for 800 Alex.
A little more and part of the reason for my quiet lately, I’m Mom to two, and stepish Mom to three more, and boyfriend’s Mom to three more and frankly it would be hard to be that with out my best friend, who as of the last full moon is now also my fiańce.
We all kinda joke about, having had tough years and thank god it’s over and learning is key. Well. Last year kinda broke me down. It was a tough year. And thank god it’s over and learning IS key. I’ve been in tough spots professionally before, but not like this and as if the challenging circumstances weren’t enough, I was slowly draining, my life energy was dissipating as the work challenges grew until it came to an ugly head one Tuesday. And just like that - I stepped out of my story, pausing (isn’t it wonderful we can pause any time we want to reassess our direction!?!) So I paused and decided I wasn’t living my values and I certainly wasn’t practicing authentic self care, and I was not in any way shape or form contributing any longer to the growth or net goodness of the world.
Welcome to now, 5 months later.
To Be Continued.
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